Yes, I Am A Deist: Finally Accepting Who I Am And No Longer Stressing Over Who I Am Not

In my last post, I talked about how I was a Christian for the past 25 years of my life. During that time, I have had so many sleepless nights worrying about if I was doing things right. If I was worshiping the right way. If I was even worshiping the right god. Was I a Christian? If so, which kind? Baptist? Jehovah’s Witness? Non-denominational? Mormon perhaps? Then I started questioning New Testament teaching. It started making less and less sense to me. I then started researching in depth the validity of the stories in the Bible and found so many errors that I could no longer believe like I once did. When truth slaps you in the face, you take notice. So then what? The Old Testament sounded better to me. More reliable. The stories seemed to be more in line with how I felt inside. So maybe I should be Jewish. I mean, the Jewish people haven’t changed in thousands of years, so they must be on to something. So I started reading up on that way of life. That way of worship. I even bought books and computer software on learning Hebrew. I was going to go all in. But still, something felt off. Something felt missing. So I did what I always do when I am lost. I prayed. I prayed every day for God to guide me. I prayed for God to show me His path. There was nothing I wanted more. I just wanted to fulfill my purpose if indeed I have one. And you know what happened? The same thing that has happened every time I have prayed for the last 25 years of my life. Can you guess what it was that happened? Nothing. That’s right. Nothing happened. I prayed and cried until my eyes hurt and nothing was the response I got. Now I understand if I prayed for material things. If I asked for a new job or a new car. If I prayed to win the lottery I could understand my prayers falling on deaf ears. But to pray time and time again, year after year for guidance from the Almighty and get nothing is devastating. The Bible says God is near to us and hears our prayers and that He will guide us. Psalm 34:18 says “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I can tell you, without a doubt and without exaggeration, I have been brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. In Psalm 145:18 the Bible says “The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth.” Well, I have called on Him again and again, with truth and desire in my heart and again, my prayers went unanswered and again I was left heartbroken. James 4:6-8 says “…God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.”
I submitted myself to God. I humbled myself. I drew as near to Him as I could and all I asked in return was to feel Him near to me. But I felt nothing but alone and more lost than before. And finally, the dagger to my heart, psalm 16:11, “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” Seriously? You make known to me the path of life? The one thing I prayed for more than anything in this life, was to know the path I should be on. The path which has eluded me, confused by thousands of versions of Christianity and countless other religions all claiming to have the correct path. The one thing I needed to hear from God and the Bible promises He will deliver on, is kept from me. Why? Well, if you are a God-fearing church-goer, the answer is obvious. I am either corrupted by Satan or I am just not doing enough to earn God’s comfort and grace. In short, I am a bad Christian. I am not Jewish, but I have even kept the food laws as described in the Bible for the last 3 years. I have shunned the world’s holidays in place of God’s Holy Days. I devoted my time to prayer and study of His word. Still I am ignored by the one who is supposed to draw near and comfort me when I hurt and when I am brokenhearted. At some point, enough has just got to be enough. A man who is devoted in His search for God and who is sincere in his prayers for guidance can only take so much.

So in my studies and searching through my long sleepless nights, I stumbled upon Deism. I had heard the word before, but thought it was akin to atheism and I wanted nothing to do with it. But now I took the time to read up on it and to my surprise, I have been a deist all my life and didn’t know it. I have very vivid memories of my childhood, looking out my bedroom window and watching the trees blow in the wind. I remember thinking that there must be a God. There is no other explanation for the beauty in this world. But I didn’t know who God was. My parents talked about Jesus and bought me and my siblings Bibles. We didn’t go to church, but we were taught the “truth”. The truth of course being the Bible account of the history of the world and Jesus coming to save it. I found that as I grew, my desire for God had not diminished but rather increased. I went to a few different churches over the years, but always felt that something was off. Every time I went there, I was going through the motions and not feeling any closer to God. I knew and still do know, that God is real, but I don’t know more than that. I can’t take the word of people from thousands of years ago who wrote about events years after they happened. The contradictions and inconsistencies are too much to bear and I just can’t stand the nonsense anymore. I have pretended long enough. I wanted the stories to be real. I so badly wanted that, but they just aren’t.

I have been reading “The Age of Reason” by Thomas Paine, one of the founding fathers of our country.  I could not believe my eyes as I read through the pages. Not only did he share my views on God, but he showed many more Bible errors and lies that I didn’t know of and yes, they can be verified. A book that was written in the late 1700’s and early 1800’s yet seems so fresh and applicable to my life today is amazing. I cannot believe that I wasted so many years of my life trying to fit into a box that I was not meant to fit in. Christianity is a club, an exclusive club, and nothing more. It sucked me in with promises and left me feeling hollow. The only way it makes sense is when someone says it does. Reading the words of the Bible makes no sense if you really study it (as we’re told to) and the Bible is the only “truth” the church has to go on. God doesn’t interact with anyone today as he did in the Bible. He doesn’t command armies or show up in a pillar of fire. Jesus promised to come back soon and two thousand years later, we’re still waiting. Waiting, by the way, for him to fulfill the prophecies he was supposed to fulfill the first time if he was indeed the messiah foretold in the Old Testament. The books of Moses, you know the first 5 books of the Bible, were supposedly written by Moses himself, yet he speaks of things that didn’t happen until many many years after his death. Speaking of death, he even writes about his own death and burial! Deuteronomy 34:5-6 says, “And Moses the servant of the Lord died there in Moab, as the Lord had said.  He buried him in Moab, in the valley opposite Beth Peor, but to this day no one knows where his grave is.” Pretty amazing for a mere man to write about his own death. I only hope that after I pass on to the next life, my words are as beautiful when I write of my own death and burial.

I know this post has some words of sarcasm, which I don’t usually include in my writings, such as the last line of the previous paragraph, but sometimes I just have to be myself. I now, after breaking free from the chains of religion, can begin the process of being myself. I don’t have to pretend anymore that I have the answers and point people to the Bible and say that they too can have the answers. I would tell the true searchers, the God-seekers, the ones who are sincere in their convictions, to follow their heart and yes, use reason. We have much to marvel at in this world and I believe we can thank God for that. We know that we also have reason and the ability to think for ourselves. These things can also be thought of as gifts from God. But, religion, as I have found after years of searching, is nothing more than a system of control and of corruption. I think Jesus may have existed, but he doesn’t hold the key to my salvation. I now feel that salvation is not necessary in a world in which we are left to figure things out on our own. We have issues that we need to work out and we have the God-given ability to use our minds to solve our problems. If there is a world after this one, and I still believe we are created for more than this, then I will see what it is when I get there. For now, I will no longer subscribe to the lies and works of fiction that have been crammed down our throats for years and years. I see too much in this world to ever become an atheist. However, I see too little to become a member of any revealed religion. The revelations of the people in the Bible are their revelations, not mine. I can’t take someone else’s word for it anymore. Hearsay is hearsay until it becomes a personal revelation. One person says this happened. One person says that happened. Another heard this and yet another heard that. Until I hear it or see it, it is nothing more than a story to me and I can’t begin to tell you how much it pains me to say that because I wanted all of the stories of hope and redemption to be true. But, I can take comfort in knowing God is real and He gave us an amazing gift in the lives we have. I don’t want to squander that gift so I refuse to worry one more day about what someone else tells me is the way to God. If I am to know the way to God, I have full confidence He will show me the path. If He doesn’t, well I guess the path wasn’t mine to find. Instead, I will be content marveling at His wonders and His beautiful creation we are privileged to live in.

God may not be the God I thought He was or the God I wanted Him to be. But then again, who among us can live up to another’s expectations? God is who He is. But He is not, nor will He ever be, who we want Him to be. We can’t say we like Him this way or that way because it comforts us. He is who He is and nothing more. If He wanted to leave us His word to follow in a book, He never would have allowed it to be corrupted, which it has been over and over again. He wouldn’t leave men in charge of such an important message, knowing how easily corrupted we ourselves can be. So, knowing what I know about the errors in His “word” and knowing what it is like to have my prayers bounce off the sky right back to me, I will no longer be part of a religion or its mission in this world. I will do as I always have done and follow the truth. And there is nothing truer or more pure than the creation we live in and the beauty that is nature. I will still pray my prayers of thanks, whether they are heard or not. Why? Because I am truly thankful and I will always give thanks where thanks is due. I don’t care if the world likes it or not. I don’t care if the church likes it or not. I no longer care what anyone thinks. God gave me the ability to reason and that is why it is becoming increasingly easier to spot frauds and liars. I can now breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that God, if He’s listening, knows my heart. He knows my thankfulness and my admiration for what He has done. He knows the religions of this world cannot deliver on the promises they make and fall short of explaining truth. I can relax knowing my search for God has indeed led me to Him. It’s just that when I found Him, He wasn’t what I expected.